Why I Cheated, Since You, the College Board Administering This Expulsionary Hearing, Have Asked

I didn’t. No, I swear on my mother’s grave, I did not cheat. What’s that? You have video footage? Are you sure that’s me?

Oh, yes you’re right, that Bart Simpson bench pressing tattoo is featured very prominently. Ok, so I have that same tattoo in that same place, but I mean, c’mon, that hardly makes for a water-tight case. 

What? Wait for it? Oh, there’s more. Ok.

Alright so you have video of me, I mean that guy with the cool tattoo, you have video of him looking around suspiciously and then looking at something he wrote on his hand and then marking an answer down on the test. So what? I can’t read what’s on his hand, can you?

Oh, you can enhance the video? Oh wow, yeah the quality of this video is really something. Ok, I see now, yes that is the test answer written on that cool guy’s hand. But again, how do we know that’s me?

What? The same backpack? Well, I got this JanSport at Walmart, do you think they’ve sold more than one of these? Oh, and the t-shirt? So both this guy and I like Metallica. I already said he was cool.

Wait, you can zoom in further? Oh. Yes, that is my name printed at the top of his test. Wow, now that is a crazy coincidence.

Alright just hold on, we don’t need to talk about expulsion. Look, I’m sorry. I admit it. But you gotta understand, my mom is real sick and I’ve been spending all my time taking care— 

What? Why would I swear on my mother’s grave if she was still alive? I did? You’re going to play back a recording of this very conversation?

Ok fine, I lied, my mom isn’t dead and she isn’t sick. But believe me, I did study. In fact, I stayed up the whole night before cramming.

My Instagram feed? No I don't think we need to look at that. Oh, you’re pulling it up anyway.

Yes, that guy at the bar does have that same cool tattoo. But so what, we don’t know when this picture was taken.

The time stamp? Two in the morning, huh. Just six hours before the test. Uhh…

Gosh, is it warm in here? I’m sorry, is there any chance I could get a glass of water? No?

Ok listen, you got me. But I swear I’ve never cheated before this.

Not the first time? Well now you’re lying. 

You say you have documentation of seven other times I’ve cheated? 

Yeah, I guess that is a lot. But please, don’t expel me, it will never happen again.

A text message from my phone?

To one of my friends?

You want me to read this?

Out loud?

Like, right now?

Uh, I guess.

It says, “Yo bro, cheating at this college is so easy, I do it all the time and I ain’t never gonna stop.” I mean c’mon, that was a joke. Brian loves jokes like that.

The rest of the text?

Do I have to?

Fine. It says, “If they catch me I’ll deny it, and even if they drag me in front of the school board for an expulsionary hearing, I’ll just tell the idiots that I won’t do it again. They’re so stupid I’m sure they’ll believe me, but as soon as I get a chance I’m gonna cheat again and again because I love it."

No wait, the decision can’t be final! I had a rough childhood! I never had a dad! When I was ten Erica Mitchell called me four-eyes on the playground and all the kids laughed! You gotta give me another chance! I’ve changed! Wait!!